2013.

odd numbered year probably equals an odd year, but then again, when isn't my life odd?

Here are some resolutions that I plan on doing that I probably won't accomplish. Yay for setting high goals, only to achieve less than half. That's life, you know.

• Exercise. Yes, this may be a shock to those of you who know me. I try my hardest to not have to do exercise. I don't like it. It's a waste of time for me, and there are other things to be doing, eating, etc. But, although I have a small figure, I am extremely out of shape. I need to be in shape if I want that federal "in the field" job. So, I will start with walks, and see where it takes me.
• I'm going to play music more. Whether it be my guitar or a piano, I'm going to play it.
• This is going to be strange, but the minimalist in me is strong right now, but I want to expunge my closet and start a new. I've spent about 3 years of my life buying different styles of clothes trying to decide what style I want. To be honest, I still don't know. But I know that my life would be easier if I had everything in black, white, gray, some tans/browns, and denim. That's it. I don't need too much color, I really don't now, but I'm going to make it simple. I mean, walking around in black on black, but in really cute styles, not just a t shirt and jeans. Does that make sense to anyone? I don't know what's come over me, but that's what I want. 
• Eat healthier, and cook more. This list is starting to look like my list from last year.
• Read more books. Start a serious collection.
• Save up at least $5000 for a down payment on a car that isn't a POS.

I can't really think of any, but those seem to be the big ones.

2012 in a nutshell.

I'm sitting in my room, drinking a jack and coke, alone, listening to city and colour, while my roommate is with her boyfriend. Kind of similar to last year's festivities. Any ways, I'm going to take this opportunity to review this year, because I'm bored as fuck.

• 2012 was the year where I tried new things. I'm not really going to delve into detail, but I made a full 180 from 2011. 
• This year, I went to my first concert, Bon Iver. I also went to my first music festival, Lollapalooza ( I should post part 2 eek). I also went to Taking Back Sunday.
• I took more school than I ever have before, and nearly killed myself. 
• I got a new style of glasses, and I also developed a new clothing style as well.
• I've seen more movies than I ever have, but mostly because I don't usually watch movies.
• I know how to drive a little more than my hometown. I'm what some would call a well seasoned driver.
• I went on a vacation. With my friends. This has never happened. It was costly, but totally worth it. I love Chicago and St. Louis.
• I've worked more than I ever have as well. I just noticed I upped my hours for next semester, so I'm a workaholic.
• I've discovered more music that isn't so...angry.
• I found myself a guy who isn't lamesauce, who loves me, and tolerates my craziness.
• I've become a more proficient blogger.
• I've read more books.
• I joined the iphone cult.
• I've made some new friends, and lost a few. I guess I'm only a capacity.

I've learned that in order to get what I want, I need to be patient, and it will eventually come my way. I also learned that I'm good at customer service, but I hate people. I've also learned not to give a flying fuck about anything or anyone and life moves on much much easier.

Murry Chrsms.

Well, Merry Christmas.

Let's just get this over with.

What a week I've had. I was so close to getting the grades I wanted, but didn't. I've accepted them, and have since moved on. I'm not done with Christmas shopping, and I don't know what to get a few people in my family. I'm kind of over the holidays. Call me a grinch, but I just want everything to be back to normal, without all this holiday hooplah. I'm kind of delirious because I'm hungry, but it's too late to eat, AND I don't have work until 10 a.m., so I'm gonna stay up late.But anyways, I had four days to spend with my boy, and oh goodness it was an adventure. Let's just get this over with.

By that, I mean the thing I have been dreading since I even thought about dating in high school. Meeting the parents. Mhmm, that's right. That's what I did during my Saturday afternoon. A few days before, I had told my parents that they were meeting him. They seem willing, but more curious. Let it be known that my parents are two of the most judgemental people you will ever meet. To anyone who knows my sweet, sweet mother, you don't know her. Behind closed doors, she is nothing compared to the smiling woman at the front. Moving on.

I freaked out, more than him, because
1. I had never done this before, or had gone through with something like this.
2. I was and still are not too close to my parents, and as a child, I wanted them out of my social life as much as possible.
3. I know my parents act different in front of people.
4. They are extremely conservative, and I am a liberal.
So, he dressed overly nice, in an argyle sweater, with a collared shirt underneath. (I hate argyle.) I told him what to wear, and he didn't. Because listening to me is just so hard. (okay side story, I told him I wanted to drink, and to get a coke, since he had liquor in his house, and he came out with beer, which I cannot drink. EARS, use them please.)I brought cupcakes, which I did not eat for various reasons, mainly because I am sick of them. They talked a little while I just sat in the middle in silence. My mom kept saying embarrassing things about me, and she kept giving me those looks. You know, those looks that say "I'm on to you, don't you try to hide something from me." It was scary. She kept asking him questions I knew he had to lie to, which made him uncomfortable. We both knew if that if my parents knew that he wasn't a devout catholic, and that he stayed the night (It's possible to not have sex when this happens okay, hold your horses), they would not approve. Anyways, it went well, according to them. I just wanted it to be over.

Next, my dad. Oh, my lovable father, who I am in denial that he is a compulsive liar. I love him, but we don't necessarily get along. I mean, it's hard to when someone calls you stupid for voting for one candidate, while he believes that the other candidate has said some spoken word or some shit. Anyways. He wan't even there when we got there, I don't know why I expected him to actually be on time, and you know, care. The house was a mess, with toys everywhere. I'm just thankful my brother decided to not be in his boxers all day, and he put on clothes. We sat in the living room, and played with my two year old brother, since all my other siblings were too shy. I also brought cupcakes, but everyone just avoided me like the plague. Anyways, eventually my dad came back, and he just asked those questions, that pretty much say "you're not good enough. I'm going to get real nosy, you better answer them right, or i'll judge the shit out of you." Well, he answered them well, and thank the good Lord my siblings were there to distract me. I basically just loved on my brother, and played games on the iPad with him. Then it got awkward because literally while I was speaking he just got up and left. He didn't even listen to a word I said to him. So he played with my brother some more, which made my brother so happy, that someone was playing with him. It was also super cute, and I died a little. Eventually, I made an excuse to leave, since I hadn't eaten all day and it was 5 p.m. I felt relived, less stressed, and I was instantly in a better mood, after I ate some Cane's.

The next day we went to the museum that's super close to his university, and we saw some pretty cool things, and I learned a lot about my boring old state that I never before. I also returned my textbooks, and I'm starting to expunge my room of unnecessary items. He also fixed my guitar amp, so I can hold off on buying a new one. I am just so happy with life right now. And hungry, my god I am always so hungry these days.

Not so Christmas Playlist.

I have taken 5 finals so far, and I have one left for tomorrow. Am I studying? I should be. But anyways. I've decided, in light of my new iTunes, and how iCloud totally destroyed my perfected library, I'm going to post some things I have been listening to lately. Most of it's old, since I usually just stick to the same stuff until I find something I love. And by few, I mean whole albums, with a few singles. I feel like people are already judging me, because isn't this the time of year I should be posting about my favorite version of Deck the Halls? Or about how Mariah Carey's infamous Christmas song reminds me every year that she does in fact still exist. You have to forgive me, I work in a retail store, where each year, the music just gets worse and worse, and becomes the bane of my existence. I still love the holidays, but the music? eh.

Albums
1. Kanye Presents G.O.O.D Music Cruel Summer - Various Artist (Kanye West)
2. Two Conversations - Appleseed Cast
3. Deja Entendu - Brand New (This is my most played album on my whole iTunes.)
4. All of a Sudden, I Miss Everyone - Explosions in the Sky
5. Hurry Up, We're Dreaming - M83
6. Babel - Mumford and Sons
7. Gossamer - Passion Pit

Songs
1. Hello, I'm in Delaware - City and Colour
2. Montezuma - Fleet Foxes
3. What's It Feel Like to Be a Ghost - Taking Back Sunday
4. Ronan - Taylor Swift (Don't judge me, this is actually the song that gives all her credibility back, in my opinion)
5. Hey Thanks - The Wonder Years

I've been playing these songs to get me out of bed to go to work, class, and even when I study. Now that I look at my playlists, I listen to a vast array of music. Interesting.

Finals week.

It's finals week, and cheers to the worst semester of my college career. I took on way too much than I could handle, and I will probably not have a year like I did last year. My sophomore year I cruised through school with excellent grades, with little or no effort. But this year, I put in my all, and I'm barely making the grades I need, let alone want. I need to basically make a 100 on all my finals, but seeing how I made a 65 on my first one today, that's not happening. I guess I would do better if I wasn't constantly on Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, or even here. I have more Tumblrs than necessary, but I can't help it. I just went and deleted like three of them. Anyways. I can't wait for these next few years to fly by, so that I can graduate already, start graduate school, and start a new chapter of my life. Because now I feel like my life is like a book series that went on to book 5 or 7 when it should've ended three books ago, and now to egg it on more, they are making a movie of my life, in two parts so people can watch it suffer in it's shameless fame. I just need something new. New job, new car, new friends, new everything.

The weather is quite cold now, but I still refuse to pull out my winter coat. Why? Because I don't like bulky things, and my winter coat can be quite bulky. So today, when it was 21 degrees outside, I opted with a zip up hoodie and a scarf. No regrets.

The one thing I like about winter though is the various drinks I can drink. I am craving to go to this cute tea place across from work and study and drink a caramel macchiato in one of their booths, but I don't like going alone, and I need to save money. So, here I am. upstairs in my cave, in a soft pullover and sweatpants. 

I got my ears pierced a few days ago, I know I'm like 10 years too late, but whatevs. I finally got them pierced on the third venture. The first one, I went to Claire's with a friend, and noticed something. Number one, I am not 10, so I will not succumb to that jewelry. Number two. They use a gun, and even though the needle is sterilized, the residue in the gun isn't. So essentially so many people's blood passes through your ears, oh but on a clean needle, so no worries. No thank you. The second time, I drove all the way out into the city, and didn't have my license. Drove back. Couldn't find it. Drove to work. Couldn't find the little bastard. I gave up, and went home, and found the fucker under some clothes in my laundry. I was so mad at myself I couldn't even handle it. I had left my boyfriend's early on my day off so I could get my ears pierced, and I basically wasted a Sunday. Alone. The third try, I finally got it.

I went to a place downtown where I used to live - a place where my mother never to go again, but hey, she wasn't around and I pay my bills, so I went with my friend. I paid way too much for this simple task, but it was better than Walmart or Claire's. I was so desperate for a discount, they made me check in on Facebook so I could save a few bucks. What a scam. I would've deleted it afterwards, but 20 people had liked it, so I figured, why not, that's the most I've gotten on anything. One day, if I haven't gotten a federal job yet, I'm going to go and get my ears stretched. Just a little. But until then, I'm going to go on Etsy in a month or so, and go on an earring spree. My roommate offered to buy me hoops, but I'm not a hoops girl like she is, so I politely declined.

I've become quiet, calm, and collected these past few days, and haven't given the slightest fuck about anything. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm still positive that something good will benefit from all of this hoopla in my life right now.

I have so many drafted posts that I haven't had the energy to finish, like my rant on sex, and my Lollapalooza Pt. 2 posts. Oops.

Dem feels.

Over this past year, I have kept many personal things bottled up. I keep them bottled up because I don't like confrontation. I don't like confrontation because when people say things to me that are stupid, I get very upset.  I get upset because I think that the person I'm speaking to is thinking that I'm stupid, which I am definitely not. I don't like getting upset because I'm a Taurus, and when we get mad, we stay mad.

Well, today, I couldn't handle it anymore, and let out some things that have been kept inside my mind for so long. I mean, I let them out occasionally, like small references, or I practice what I'm going to say in the car when I'm driving alone. If you ever see me driving alone and talking to myself, you know why.

In reality, I only let out the parts that weren't hurtful to the person I was talking to. I could tell she felt bad, and it made the situation better simply because I had mentioned it. Sometimes it's hard to decide when to let out these feels you have, and where, and even why. Is it even worth it? I mean, will something horrible be the outcome? I decided that I didn't care what the outcome was, because it was making me so upset, even though it shouldn't.

So, the lessoned learned here is, be truthful, and not hateful, so that your mind will be at ease for a while, while humbling someone else's.

Geez that sounds totally lame, but whatever.

(annoyances)

I think that the end of the semester projects are taking a toll on me, and my level to see things that annoys me has heightened.

Here's some things that just push my buttons:

1. If you think you are better than anyone, especially me. What have I done in my little life to make you feel so bitter towards me in any way? I'm just trying to live a happy life, and I'm done trying to be compared to people. I'm just going to be myself, and not even be phased by anyone. I try my best to not be a basic bitch, so really, cut me some slack.
2. When people text "K". I won't respond to that, nope. If you don't want to talk to me, then don't even respond, because it simply amazes me how immature people can be that they have to send the "K" when I know you're probably complaining to someone else about the previous text you got earlier. Grow up, por favor.
3. People who get cranky because they aren't "full" and only "satisfied". Think about it this way, you being satisfied is probably more than any child in some third world country could even imagine. Yep, that's right, I'm pulling out the kids in Africa card. Don't be a gluttonous bastard at every single meal, and be thankful for what you have.
4. Why even stress anymore. I'm not going to lie, I stress out quite a bit, over school, work, what my roommates are plotting against me, etc. But, what's the point? I mean, I'm trying to not tell people that I am stressed and why, because really, what is the point? Because if you think about it, everyone, no matter how they act or say, has some sort of stress, whether it be about school, a boy, what to wear, where to work, or even a child who stresses what color the sky on their coloring sheet should be. I mean, do you ever have a conversation, where someone complains to you and then you're like "Oh my goodness, your stress is SO much more than my stress, I feel for you I really do. I have never heard of stress like that before." No, you probably haven't. In my experience, when someone complains about stress, the other person is usually like "oh." or they continue to go on about their stress, and try to one up the other's stress. Stress shouldn't be a competition. At all.
5. People who try so damn hard to be a hipster, a hippie, or a vintage bitch. I mean, I do listen to some indie stuff, dress in certain ways, but I don't parade around like I'm better than anyone else. I just happen to enjoy similar things. I don't look down on people who dress like their going to a club (unless it's just really inappropriate in a bad setting), read fantasy novels instead of John Green and Sylvia Plath. I don't think that my wedding will be better than yours, because one will be "vintage" and the other "classic" I just don't. We all have our struggles, and each of us are different. Why do we have to be hateful over everything. It annoys the shit out of me, really.
6. Last, but not least, couples that mask their issues with love. By this, I mean that people pretend to be happy, when they aren't. I know at least 7 couples that I simply adore. I really do, but they keep pretending that they are superior, and that they are so in love. But i'm not stupid, in fact, I should be one of the cleverest (is that even a word) people you know. I'm very observant, and even if your eyebrow moves in a certain way, I can tell your mood change. Anyways. Couples who flaunt their perfection on Facebook, Twitter, etc. really annoy me. Like why are there photos of you making out in his room? I mean, you obvs planned it. I don't even think about taking photos together when I'm with my boyfriend. I don't. Only if it's some place cool, like a museum or something. Every couple in the world has issues, I know I kind of do, and my parents did, and all my managers at work do. So there's no need for everyone to think you're the cutest around town. Because this isn't senior year of high school where people vote for you for the superlatives. It's just life, so please enjoy yourself.

Also, this is small and doesn't really deserve a number, but what is soft grunge, and what makes it soft? People on the internet astound me with what they can make popular.

(bleh)

I haven't written here in so long, only because I worked extra, and my friends from out of state came in for the holidays. I always complain about having to change my schedule around to see them and such, but I really enjoy seeing them. I got to spend extra time with Juan, and I noticed some things during our silly adventure.

I think I am slowly coming out of the infatuation stage. I think he is too. We didn't see each other for two weeks due to scheduling issues, and we eventually found ourselves arguing over something so small. It's weird, being in a purgatory between these two stages. I don't know exactly what it means. Is this progression? I can't decide. Some days I'm completely infatuated and he is on my mind 24/7. Other days, I wish he would just stop texting me and leave me alone. This has never happened, and then I just get confused. Everyone says that the beginning of relationships are the best. I really have enjoyed the first three months of this relationship so far, and I kind of don't want to move on, simply because I don't know what's coming. But yeah, coming out of the infatuation stage, so that's exciting. Kinda.

I am on my A game this holiday season, because I am halfway through my extensive list of people that I choose to give gifts to. It's not my fault that I have too many immediate family members, with half of them with birthdays around the holidays too. Oh also, most of the them are children, so money doesn't really work in these situations. I only included moms, dads, my siblings, my roommates, and Juan. That's 12 people. I swear if my stepmom births another, I'm going to be broke.

I am extremely tired these days. I don't know why. It's to the point where I am slightly fatigued. At work, it's really hard to focus, because I usually have a migrane, and have to deal with stupid people. I don't say anything, because I don't want anyone to look at me with pity, a look of annoyance, etc. So I just act like everything is normal.

I've also found that school doesn't stimulate me very much anymore. I used to enjoy going to lectures, learning new things, and challenging myself. This semester has progressively made me more tiresome of school and everything that goes with it. I dread bringing my shit to class to sit there and not be focused. I just play on my phone all day. I think taking this many hours this semester really shut me down. I know I'm not that stimulated since I also bring my computer to class to not take notes. I actually made my fall post during a "lecture". Note I put lecture in quotations because to me, looking at stupid cop arrests gone wrong on ebaums world and talking about the legalization of drugs because it is or isn't legal isn't a lecture. My mind is not in your class, so I'm not going to waste time, when I could be doing something else.

I also realized that if I want to do my dream job, I am going to have to have at least 2 years experience as a cop. Lovely. My body build and structure do not equal cop. I'm not going to change my dream job, I'll just suffer for a couple years, no big deal.

yeah, my writing hasn't been so great lately, I mean I didn't even put a quote at the top of this one.

Lack of opinion, lack of mind.

"In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."

Something just came upon me today, while I was at work, waiting for customers to stop ogling at the food, and finally just choose one. People may annoy me with their opinions, but people who have no opinions annoy me even more. There are a few statements I've heard lately that have been pushing my buttons. Let me explain.

Statement 1: "I wish they could let people who don't know anything about politics not vote."

Statement 2: "I don't give a fuck who wins the election, we're all fucked anyways."

Let's just start with those two, for now, so that you can all move on with your lives, instead of just reading my post for days.

Statement 1: THE ELECTION IS OVER. Got it? Like really, it's over. ALSO. If they did that, no one would be able to vote. Why? Because everyone is biased. You can't expect a Democrat to know everything, and if he or she did, it's impossible, because his or her beliefs stand in the way of truth. It's hard to be unbiased on anything these days. Also, the people who have been telling me these things don't know much either. I'm not saying I know much, but I know that I myself is biased, when I shouldn't be. But I'm young, and I'll learn the hard way. It's the only way I get things ingrained in my mind, ask my mother.

Statement 2: Again, THE ELECTION IS OVER. SOMEONE ALREADY WON THE ELECTION. People who are literally too stupid to realize that the election is over, there is no such thing as the first lady debate, etc. BLOW MY MIND APART. Also, I love the optimism in the fact that we're all fucked. Yeah, we're all fucked, but some of us want it to be enjoyable you know? Also, if you're going to be ungrateful to live in a country, where you have freedom, and the opportunity to make something of yourselves and voice your non existent opinions, then kindly get the fuck out. There are millions of people everywhere who would love to live your privileged little life.

I could go on for days on those two subjects, but I'm trying my best to not sound ignorant. I know that I know about 1% of things that are to be learned in this world. I know that everything I believe in now could be everything I'm against in the future. I know these things, I just wish that people my age weren't so naive and stupid. I wish they were open to the world around them, and break free from what they were taught to know. A world filled with individual opinions is better than a world divided apart from fixed opinions. I know I'm being dramatic, but oh well.

Moving on. People with no opinion whatsoever. 

"I don't care."

"LOL at people with opinions."

Okay first of all, who still uses LOL. Like really, I only use it sarcastically. I don't lol in real life, so I don't use it. I also only use variations to be even more sarcastic, which includes "lul" or "lolol" if you are not 16 or younger and still use this, please, look at your life, or just kindly don't text me that anymore. Second, how can you not have an opinion? About anything? You will follow to anything or anyone? If Big Brother happened to be our leader tomorrow, you would be okay with that? Let's get real here. I don't give a flying fuck about a lot of things in life. That is to purely make my life easier, since I've realized that 90% of the world are stupid, ignorant fucks. But really? You have no opinion on anything at all, human rights, foreign policy, drugs, anything? It blows my mind. I have an opinion on everything. I don't say them out loud, since there is a time and place for everything. I can't even put into words how I feel about people with no opinions. I've been staring at this paragraph for 20 minutes now. I just can't do it.

I would go on the subject of trolls, but I should be sleeping, so I can get ready for my long day at work tomorrow. 

Fall in love with Fall.

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."

Fall is simply my favorite time, next to spring. I love the colors that the leaves change, and I love the hues of orange and red everything is. It's the time where you can drive with the window rolled down, with that calming breeze in the air (unless you live where I live where most days the wind is relentless.) I love waking up and drinking hot coffee (because I only drink hot coffee when the weather permits it), and wearing shorts with tights. That is my favorite thing to wear, and if I could, I would wear it everyday. I love scarves, and during the fall, I wear one almost everyday. Everyday.

This morning, it was quite foggy outside, which put me in a happy mood. I love the fog. I love the feel, the look, just everything. It also reminds me of Harry Potter, where the dementors come, and every aspect of happiness is drained. I know that completely contradicts my love for fall, but I love the thrill of things like that, so I also like to look at my happiness as warding off the dementors. Moving on.

Another reason why I love fall, is simply because really great things seem to happen to me during the fall. In the fall, two of my siblings were born, I've met some really cool people, and I find myself just constantly being happy. Also during the fall season, I feel like school goes by so much faster, since there are so many breaks and what not.

One of my favorite holidays is Thanksgiving. I love eating, and this holiday centers around food. So naturally, I love it. Mashed potatoes and pie and cookies and just food. Delicious. I also love how either though I don't have the best relationship with anyone in my family, except for my 2 year old brother, we can just shove everything under the rug so we can eat and relax together (did you catch my dash of sarcasm there?) But in all honesty, I do love it. I've had great memories concerning this holiday, including moving into my home, watching whatever kid's movie is in theaters with my best friend, and the smell of fall in the air.

I also love driving around during Thanksgiving. Everyone is cooped up inside, and the roads are empty and quiet. It's one of my favorite things. I don't usually black friday shop, but I do work in retail, so just go home, sleep, and relax, to prepare myself for the next day.

However, I do dislike winter, so I try to hold on to fall as much as possible.

(distractions)

"Work is hard. Distractions are plentiful. And time is too short."

Let's be honest, I can't concentrate today. I went to work at 7 a.m., and through the stupidity of everyone, I was already 115% done with today at 10:15 a.m. I came home, extremely tired and annoyed, but I was pleased because my house looked acceptable. Everyone's rooms were clean, our vents got cleaned that day, and the whole house was vacuumed. (shout out to my roommate for vacuuming my room when I was at work. I'm glad she got out of bed today.) I organized my closet according to shirt type, sleeve length, etc. Can you tell I work in retail? I got into an argument with someone over the phone and fell asleep in a bad mood. I woke up so fast and since it gets so dark early now, I didn't even know what year it was. You think I'm joking, I almost panicked because I hadn't finished my paper. (It's still not finished.)

This is yet another busy week in the oh so exciting life of me. I'm exhausted of this life already. Remind me to never work this much, plus take this much school again. Today, while on my lunch, and listening to my music loudly (Today's choice was Kanye West Presents: G.O.O.D Music Cruel Summer) I began thinking about my future. Not just my bedroom in a month future.

• I want to acquire many books, and have a cool library one day, in my house, with those cool sliding ladders.
• I want to live in a city (preferably Chicago or Seattle). If I can't live in a city, then I want to live here, where I am. 
• If I can't live in either of those, I want to move to Europe. See ya Murika.
• I know this may sound vain of me, but I want to accomplish something. By this, I mean, in my career, I want to be known for something. My friend's uncle, who happens to be the director of my major's program was the first person ever to testify using DNA. He was also the first person to find some discovery about fingerprinting. I think that's so cool. I feel like once I make a real career out of my job, I can retire, knowing that I did something.
• I want two children. Five years apart. Boy first, then a girl. I know I can't really control these things, but it's what I'm hoping for.
• If I have a fancy wedding one day, it will be black/white/gold or champagne. Classy. If it's not fancy, I want it to be casual, and vintage, with hanging DIY lights and all.
• I want a yorkie puppy once in my life. There was one who used to live in our neighborhood. His name was sweet pea. He was the sweetest little yorkie I've ever met. When the old lady who owned him moved away, she offered me her three tv's. I wanted her dog.

I say this now, but who is to say that my perceptions of the future may change tomorrow? That's the thing about my mind i've noticed lately. I constantly change my mind. Over everything. What to wear, what to eat, whether to eat, what to read, what to drink, what way to go to work, everything. I'm so indecisive, and it's to the point where it's becoming unhealthy. 

I guess I'm rambling again. Damn. I'm so disappointed in my writing lately. I do it, but it doesn't give me the same satisfaction as it does when it's good. Le sigh.

Mnmlst

"The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less."

I've been out of my mom's house for about 18 months, without a completed room. Why? I'm picky. I want everything, but nothing at all. I've been keeping my closet closed (It's a mirror) and I'm trying my best to keep things off the floor, and off my tables and dresser (I said I tried, it's a work in progress). I like being neat. It does make life easier. I just want it all to go away. If only my closet was extremely big, and I could store everything in there except my bed.

I'm going to paint my room during winter break, and at that time, I want to expunge my things. I"m going to give away half the things in my extremely packed closet, clean out my desk, and put most things out of sight. Even though I want this and that, I just want nothing. I don't need half of the things I own, but I so desperately wanted them at one point in my life. I wish I knew how that worked.

I haven't decided If I wanted to put up my wall decal when it's all painted, and put different paintings, wooded framed photos, etc. on my walls, since my walls are so big, or put only a few big pieces of things in my room. I have so much wall space, and it kills me to have it empty, but I don't so many things. 

It's also very hard to do this when I want to craft all day and every day. (NO not from pinterest of whatever I'm not one of those.)

I think I'm becoming a minimalist. Less is more. I'm going through a weird phase right now, since school is killing me, and I have only been eating one meal a day for the past 16 days now. No, I don't have a disorder, I simply just lack the time and patience to eat. I have too many things due, I don't have time to be stuffing my face. Since my house hasn't had the heater on, not since last winter, I've been in my room with my space heater, and going downstairs for anything is miserable.

My best friend is a minimalist, in my opinion, and less is more for her. She inspires me sometimes just by literally doing nothing. I also wish I knew how that worked. I wish I had enough money to throw away everything and start over, but that's unrealistic.

That being said, I re-signed my lease today. That's right folks, another year with my best friend, and a girl who just lives for fad diets. It's amazing how things have changed in one year. Let's hope for the best this year.

Social Experiment?

"If looks could really kill, my profession would be staring."

People watching. It's one of my hobbies. I love looking at people on campus. What they wear, how they talk, how they walk, how they react with others. I like observing people in class. How they take notes, if they drink coffee in the morning, if they play with their hair, how they sneak their phone. Just little things. I can't explain it really. I like seeing how people actions and reactions cause other actions and reactions. I think this is why I'm so observant to people. I can instantly tell when one of my friends are upset, sad, lying, uncomfortable, in love. I know that if one of my friends is lying, I won't call them out, but see where they take the lie. It can get pretty interesting. I'm the type of person who likes to sit back, watch everyone and understand everything, but not say a word. Why ruin what a perfect system I have? 

That being said, I want to try a social experiment. I've thought about it for the past four days, instead of my research paper. But, I can bull shit those quite easily, so it's no big deal. My thoughts were inspired when I found out that Cole Sprouse, yes, that twin from the Suite Life, had conducted a sociology experiment, for class, or for himself, I don't know. He made a Tumblr account (coletureconcept), posted regular college anthropologist things, but with crazy amount of notes, comments, reblogs, etc. He posted photos of himself, which went all over the site, and he gained a tremendous amount of followers. Recently, he deleted his account, and revealed the truth. People on the site are furious, and felt betrayed. But really, his idea was so brilliant, I wish I was on a Disney show back in the day, just so I could do this experiment. He posted regular photos, and long text philosophical posts. Thousands of notes by people who don't understand what he was trying to say, but only because they had some sort of connection to a child actor who was wildly popular in the 90s-00s. Cole had removed himself from the public eye to live a normal life, going to college, etc. He knew that people would only follow his blog because he was merely a celebrity. He then just sat back and observed everyone. How crazy they were, how upset they were, and how naive they were. So brilliant. 

Anyways, I want to do something. I haven't decided yet. I want to do it on a social media site, since I am forever fascinated by the media, and how it is so persuasive, how it can negatively portray people, positively portray people, how it can even cause disorders, and how easily people can be persuaded by a person with a microphone in front of their face. All I know, is that I won't tell anyone about this project, and when I complete it, I will make a post about it, and expose the fools for what they are. Muahaha. So evil, I know. But, I think people need a dose of reality from time to time. 

American Horror Story: Asylum

"We're all going to be together in the dark, watching The Sign of the Cross. A movie full of fire, sex, and the death of Christians. What fun."

There will be slight spoilers, so if you haven't seen any American Horror Story:Asylum episodes, then don't read.

I told myself that I needed a few episodes to air, before I truly decided if I loved it or not.

Let me just start by saying that I simply adored American Horror Story, when it first started last year, in that big mansion, with the ghosts, Tate, Constance, and my beloved Violet. It was weird psychological horror, which I liked. That also caught me, since I don't like scary movies, and I don't like that kind of thing. I never flinched, and I watched it with the rest of the house in full darkness, which is the only way you should be watching that show. I usually watched it by myself, since no one else I knew would watch it with me, or would be too scared. When I heard that same actors/actresses would be used for the next season, with a completely different story, I thought that it would suck, and that I would hate Ryan Murphy for ruining yet another show that I adored. ( I used to be obsessed with Glee, specifically season 1. Now, it's just a bunch of rubbish.)

Let's begin with the pilot. Adam Levine and Jenna Dewan Tatum, having sex in an abandoned asylum from the 60s. Yeah, that's sanitary. Also their dirty talk was just not the business. Maybe that's because I look at sex differently than just plain fucking. Because fucking is fucking, and sex is sex. I'll explain myself later. Anywhore. Their little part just threw me off, but it made sense later. I know the first episode was to set up the rest of the story lines for the season, so I paid close attention. There are aliens, who look similar to the ones on Dr. Who. They poke and prod, and I don't like that all, mainly because I don't want anyone to poke and prod me (I still haven't been to the "woman doctor" so don't judge.)
I would also like to say that I am currently watching this right now, so I may be distracted. Then, my Tate Langdon has dark hair, is now a young adult of 1964, not my little Kurt Kobain punk rock serial killer. He is also in an interracial relationship, which was super presh. He also looks so good this season, I swear Evan Peters is the bane of my existence. Life ruiner. Anyways. Constance is now a cray nun. My Zachary quinto is the "doctor" and there is some other creepy one. The asylum seems bent, and it also does not look sanitary. Also, Bloodyface. There is a killer of women who kills, then eats them. Socially unacceptable. I wasn't sure at this point if I wanted to watch this. It didn't have the effect that I thought it would. My Tate was also being tortured this season, instead of being tortured. Interesing. At first, I thought I wouldn't get used to the different characters/same actors, but I realized that truly good actors and actresses make you forget about their other characters that they've played. After the second episode, I forgot all about the first season, because I was so wrapped into it.

After a few episodes, I found myself hooked. That annoying psychic from the first season is now some nosy annoying writer, who is a lesbian, which back then was socially unacceptable. But whatever. It  started getting better, and I found myself flinching at certain things, because anyblood that is associated with the eyes or neck, I can't even handle. The show has Nazi story lines, exorcisms, and it is totally ridiculous. But, I can't. Stop. Watching.

I can't wait to see what holds in the future episodes. However, if the show turns to shit, then I'll stop. I don't have time for bullshit these days. There are other things to be watching, homework to be doing, people to be seeing.

I wish I knew why, but I can't even give a good explanation as to why. Sorry to dissappoint. I just wanted to go over the first episode. Just because.

Lollapalooza 2012 Part 1

"For three days this summer, people will come to Chicago to witness musical history in real time."

I think the first time around, I never got a chance to go into my Lolla adventure. I've been reminiscent toward the trip lately, and I just want to go back and never come back. It was so much fun. I'm going to tell you about my first experience at a music festival. Bear with me, I'm no pro at this, but I learned a lot of things that weekend. If you don't want to hear about my adventures, then simply don't read it. I don't want to hear you gripe about it later. I'm going to do this into three parts, since I want to go into detail.

 I remember walking while taking this photo because I was too excited, but this was the first thing that happened. So, the adventure begins.

First, we kind of just wandered, to take it all in. The atmosphere, the people, everything. It was also very hot, so we first spotted out water locations, thanks to the app. Next, we decided to play a game. Point out the people who were inappropriately dressed for Lollapalooza. I get it, you want to look cute, but wedge shoes, a maxi dress, with a sheer long sleeve shirt, makeup and hair done, and pursed lips, when it's extremely hot and humid outside? Cute, but not cute. If I wanted, I could've looked way better, but I opted with shorts, tank tops, my hair up, and vans. It worked out in my favor. Then we ended up at Anamanaguchi, where we stayed for five minutes, then wandered off to the Perry sound stage, where we watched the last five minutes of the White Panda. They played Call Me Maybe and it was just fun to watch everyone belt it out.

This was the fountain in the middle of Grant Park. We told each other that if we got lost, to go this fountain. We never got lost, but the wind passing through would cool us down. Plus, it's just really pretty.

Next, we went to get good seats to Dr. Dog, but we decided to watch some Yellow Ostrich, since the stages were next to each other. Someone proposed on stage. Personally, I would hate that kind of shit, but I love watching it. For the sake of everyone, thank goodness she said yes. It was sweet and made everyone in a slightly better mood. (The heat was bringing us down).

Dr. Dog. I had never heard of them, but my friend did, and she was the one who decided we should see them, so my other friend and I agreed. They were really good, and we got fairly good seats. (There were no seats, but that's all I can think of haha) I had a really good photo, but I'm in it, and I'm not about to show my face.

Afterwards, we watched The War on Drugs, then we got super hungry, and buying food at festivals is ridiculous, since it's over priced. But, we were in Chicago, so we just left and went to some asian place and ate at the condo. It was way better. We even put our shorts in the freezer (don't judge) and later, we realized it was the best decision we've ever made.

While waiting for M83, we walked through the Die Antwoord crowd. They were weird, but people seemed to really like it. I remembered that I was supposed to buy one of their shirts for Juan, because he's a freak and likes them too. So I did, and bought myself a tank top that I wish I would've bought in a neutral color since wearing bright green now would be weird.

M83. We started out in the back, and shimmied our way up. We ended up closer, but for the fear of dropping or losing my phone, I had put it up by then. They were easily my favorite set of that day. They played two of my favorite songs, and they were worth the wait. (They were 25 minutes late.)

I remember that there was a slot of time where we didn't have anyone we really wanted to see, and everyone seemed to be having a good time at Porter Robinson, so we went. It was pretty much a rave, but it was a good people watcher concert, and it was fun to be silly with my friends.

We also saw the Shins, and walked by DEV and sang along to that song that was on the radio. We also saw Passion Pit, whom I love. The crowd for Passion Pit was kind of rowdy, so we didn't get too far in, because we wanted to leave early anyways to see the Black Keys.

Well, you can't tell, but this was the Black Keys. They were so good, it was insane. The screens around them had these cool lights and patterns, but my phone captured this. You win some, you lose some.

Well, since both of my friends had seen the Black Keys live before, we decided that the last thirty minutes we were going to venture. So Black Sabbath or Bassnectar? I had no preference for either, since I wanted to stay at the Black Keys. But, Bassnectar was closer, and closer to where were were staying, since Black Sabbath was on the other side of the park. So Bassnectar it was. Another rave, filled with people sluttin it up, and all of our sweat meshed into one. Gross, I know, but kind of awesome. It was the nastiest I had felt since my mother birthed me in her juices. Yes, I phrased it that way so you can have a sense of how gross I felt. Some guys kept trying to dance with me, and by dance I mean rub their dick all over me, well guess what idiots? I had a small backpack on, so I hope you and my phone really hit it off. I also took a few pictures with some people, bc they kind of trapped me. Awkward. The lights were so amazing though and the atmosphere was truly one of a kind. I don't think I would ever go to one of these shows voluntarily, but this was a good experience.

After the first day, when we were walking back, we saw this guy just taking a snooze by a pole. I got really close to him and didn't even flinch. I asked him if he was okay, and he just smiled, with his eyes closed, and finally after a substantial amount of time, said he was okay. I took a photo because I knew he wouldn't notice. He had a ruff day.

Afterwards, we ate dinner at some fancy restaurant so my friend could eat with her boo thang. The streets turned into a big party, and It was super cool. I remember afterwards my friends, and my friend's brother and his friends were all exhausted and we ate like pigs while we all took turns showering. Day 1 was a complete success.

Do more of what makes you happy.

1. Wake up in a positive mood, have a sweet breakfast, and listen to music that wakes you up. (My choice this morning was Taking Back Sunday, since I enjoy closing my eyes and pretending I'm 15 again, when music really made me feel something.)
2. Treat yourself. I can't stress this enough. If you wait your whole life waiting for someone to make you happy, you might never achieve it. Make personal goals, save some money, and buy something you really want. (I saved 10% of my checks each week and did well on three tests, and bought myself Aldo boots. TREAT YO SELF)
3. If it's nice outside, don't be cooped up inside all day. It's hard to do sometimes, I can tell you that, I am always on the internet. It's times like this where I am thankful for my little balcony. I'll make a glass of tea, bring my ipod and a book, and sit outside. Or I'll go the park and talk a little walk and try to get as close as possible to the ducks.
4. Assume people have good intentions. I know this is also hard to do, since I mostly like my people like I like my newborn infants: quiet. But if y ou walk around thinking about why or why not someone is doing this, mainly to makes your miserable, you will be miserable. If you look at the same situation in a positive light, no matter if it's true or not, you will feel better about yourself.
5. Eat something that you want. A greasy burger, half of a pie, ice cream, etc. Don't worry about how it was made, how much you'll need to work it off, etc. If you want to be healthy, at least try it once a week. It's rewarding, and so delicious.

These may just be my opinions, but being happy is ultimately up to yourself. I've decided to post this because I've been in a shitty mood lately, and I don't want to ruin my own weekend.

22 feels like 68.

"I don't mind, if we take our time, cause I'm all yours, if you're all mine."

I'm going to try to not be that annoying person who constantly talks about how happy she is with so and so and how perfect he is blah blah blah because I hate those people, and I try my best to be a hypocrite. But I don't have anyone to talk to when it comes to these kinds of things, so I just need to put it somewhere, and this just so happen to be the place.

Even if this doesn't end up being long term, I've made a new friend, a new best friend, at that. We don't do anything too extravagant. Except for that one time we ate at some really fancy restaurant (not really fancy, but to us) and then we felt weird so we watched Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers - In one sitting. He left this morning to some field exercise or something and I won't be able to talk to him until Monday. I mean, I only see him 2 days a week anyways, so, you know, "lo que sea". I'm just going to go through this weekend, just because I had a really good time.

First, he surprised me with a watch, because he said when he saw it, he thought it would match my boots. A man who understands how fabulous I am, what else do you even want?

Then, since he literally talks about this establishment every day, I decided to cave and go with him to Five Guys, since he hasn't even been since he moved from Texas. It looks gross, and I swear my heart actually stopped for a good minute, but damn, it was so delicious.

Then, we did some homework (because we both have intense classes okay) and then we bought ice cream and watched Parks and Recreation. Work tried to call me in, but I said I was out of town. Which I technically was. I don't get paid enough to be on call. He also gave me one of his favorite picks because apparently mine sucks, which was super nice, because it's tiny and good quality. He also practically wrote my spanish essay for me, while I edited his english one. (perks of interraccial relationships, yo)

I want to delve so deeply about people and their phobias of interracial relationships, but i'll save that for later.

He also said I could have his Girl with the Dragon Tattoo poster, because he didn't have anymore room on his. I've never met a guy so nice. (Actually I have, but he was not my type, and too sweet. The kindest soul I've ever met) 

I don't care that he impersonates Pokémon just to make me laugh when I'm sad, or that he tries to understand infinity scarves. I don't care that he has an accent and that all my friends make fun of him, because really, he is just as weird as I am.

Okay, I've had my sentimental moment of 2012, don't worry, It won't happen again. This is also the most I'll probably every post about him, since I feel awkward talking about my life sometimes.

Ugh, it's 1:22 a.m., my homework isn't done, and I want a burger.

Amendment 64.

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."

Let me just have a moment here, about this amendment, which I can't stop hearing about.

First, because of my major, and because some of my professors worked for the DEA in their past lives, they are absolutely shocked at what is happening. Really? You're shocked that a law to legally do a drug that most people already do was passed? Don't show your age. Before I delve into the subject, let's  get some facts alright?

• This allows adults over the age of 21 to recreationally use the drug, and is allowed to have 6 plants, at the most. 
• You are only allowed to have up to 1 oz. in possession, and if you choose to gift it (happy holidays mother fucker), you are only allowed to gift 1 oz. to an individual 21 years or older.
• This law doesn't go into effect immediately, so all the "oh can't see colorado because of all the smoke" jokes can just stop.

I honestly don't want to put any other facts I'm not sure of, but these were the ones we discussed in class.

Alright. Let it be known that I have no problem with the legalization of marijuana. If you smoke it, smoke it. If you don't, you don't. If you need it for medical reasons, by all means, take care of yourself. It doesn't bother me at all, but just like religion, don't shove your beliefs about it down my throat. However, I see many flaws that this law hasn't addressed, or that I haven't seen. So, the questions have to be asked:

• Are workers allowed to be on the drug while working? Will they be allowed to smoke it while working? This really concerns me, mainly with people who work with heavy machinery. 
• Do these people actually think that this is going to do anything?
• What if someone has more than 1 oz? How will an officer have probable cause to see if someone has maybe 2 oz. in his pocket? 
• Do you really think this will stop people under 21 from smoking it?

With that being said, they need more regulation rules to this law. If this is serious, (which who knows these days, the world is filled with TROLLS), there needs to be certain rules to regulate the use of it. Private businesses will be able to make a limitation, but what about the others? 

Also 1 oz and 6 plants? Really? Do you know how much weed can come from six properly tended plants? A lot. And if you and your neighbor have 6 each, that's quite substantial. I also feel like this will have similar situations of problems people had with cigs (buying for underage smokers). The average age of when a teenager first smokes weed is 14. You don't think that high schoolers will still buy from 21+? Of course they will. Teens have some sort of hormone in them that makes them want what they cannot have. And for a young adult who has legal weed, and willing teens to rip off? Psh. Gold. I know these aren't pressing issues, but just the ones on my mind. Next topic.

Okay. Is this really my generation's movement? Are we really going to be old and tell our kids, "Yeah, we made history, because we made weed legal in some states in 2012."Seriously? legalizing a drug that everybody (not everybody, but most, and more than most have at least tried it) does. That's our thing? This generation just astounds me. We are known as the technology generation, the fast food generation, and now this. Kudos to you young adults of America, kudos to you. I mean dams still exist, fracking still occurs, climate change, pipelines, etc. But we still can't move beyond these things that happen all the time. Like I said above, I don't mind the legalization of it, but why does it seem like this is a big focus? Why is this the focus of the young people of America? Another thing is, if this wasn't such a hot issue, would people my age even go and vote (besides the whole oh Obama is black and cool let's vote for him thing, because I could rant for days on that subject. Idiots.) I just wish we could devote all this work into something truly meaningful, like the environment, foreign policy, etc. 

OKAY. Now to let what my AP Lit teacher taught me.

In dystopian novels, the government is portrayed as something that controls the citizens. They drug the people in order for the people to be apathetic to the horrible things happening. If you think about it, society is DOING IT TO ITSELF. I just think it is highly ironic because this is exactly what Huxley and Orwell had portrayed in their novels. hahaha.

Wake the fuck up people, and smell the coffee dat weed.

Back to black.

"And we sing this morning, that wonderful and grand old message. I don't know about you, but I never get tired of it. Number ninety-nine: Just. As. I. Am."

I took a long hiatus and went on a deleting spree, that I don't even remember doing. But, I've decided to be back. I mean I only had one follower to read this piece of shit, called my rambles, but she's about as opinionated as me, and the whole point of writing is to write, not so much as thousands of people seeing it, especially if it's personal thoughts.

So. Even though I have a huge, and I mean HUGE week full of projects due, but, I'm still gonna write. What brought me back to this simple website? Well. I've been spending a little time with someone who makes me ultimately happy. And he decided that since we both say such great one liners, we should start putting them in a notebook. So I dug out my old moleskins, which I hid, when I went on my trip to Chicago/Lollapalooza (Which I wish never ended, since that was the best vacation of my life), so that my roommates wouldn't even try to look at them. I also changed my computer password to the one I use at work, which only my managers and me and one other girl knows. I'm paranoid, I know. But I trust no one. Anywhore, back to my story. I started looking through my old moleskines, and remembered how I used to love to write. This 18 hour semester has been killer, and I've forgotten all about writing, except when it comes to lab write ups and essays in español. So, I'm going to start writing again.

For the past three months my friendships haven't been so great, and I have no idea why. If someone doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine, I will give them space. But sometimes, a girl just needs somewhere to put her thoughts, you know? So thus, reason number two of why I'm back.

Reason number three? Well, there isn't one really. I'm just trying to do things again that made me happy. Because I've realized that happiness makes life easier. It's up to me if I want to be happy, not anyone else. I can't just sulk around because someone didn't or did something to me. So I made a list of things that made me happy, and writing was one of them. Clothes, food, and music are also on that list. So, a few weeks ago, I picked up my guitar again. I haven't played in two years, especially since I moved out, because all I do is work. I wish I had my piano here, but I don't. I still practice in my mind though.

So to old and new, welcome.