Princess of China.

At work, there has been this song playing constantly, and it gets in my head so easily. Upon further investigation, I realized it was Princess of China by Coldplay and Rihanna. I watched the music video, and was confused, a little creeped out, and a little offended.

Okay, princess warrior of China, that's cool. Having no asians what so ever in the video, eh not so much. Also for being a princess of China, Rihanna totes is combining japanese, korean, and hinduism culture, with traces of chinese culture. I'm also confused as to what the whole video is even about. Kinda ruins the song for me, especially since I'm not really a Coldplay or Rihanna fan in the first place. But anyways.

I've been researching Crowley turntables, and Audio Technica models as well. I want one. I'll go halfsies with my best friend's boyfriend for her birthday, but I want one for myself too. That's the problem with gifts. I always give away what I want. But maybe for my birthday, someone will get one for me too? or go halfsies? That's just been on my mind lately.

I've also found a (good) recipe blog, and I can't wait to try some out. My life has been tasting a little lack luster. I mean you can only go so far with Cheerios and hummus, and guac.

I'm also annoyed with people and their respected significant others. I mean, does it not get boring to see them everyday? I mean, save that for marriage. Now, enjoy the moment. If you constantly see your S/O all the time, you're bound to lose friends, and annoy people in the process. Balance is key people, balance is key. I'm only annoyed because my car is rendered undriveable until the night, since my stupidy has struck again, I haven't gotten my tag for my car registered. It's been exactly a month from yesterday. Le sigh. I'll get it fixed tomorrow, if I don't get snowed in somewhere. Anyways, so I haven't left my boyfriend's apartment since we are being cautious, and because his brother sees his girlfriend literally 9 hours a day. In a row. Every. Day. It's just a little irritating. Last time I got snowed in, I discovered some music, and started imagining if I was a chinese princess warrior, and how bad ass I would be.

Thus bringing us full circle.

(relax)

Here are some things from UO that I am going to buy because I just really feel the need for retail therapy. It's just been that long period of time, where If I don't buy clothes, I'm going to snap. I also bought a moto jacket too, but these are the things I'm excited about. Yay for President's Day sales and free shipping. One thing I hate is how easy it is to buy on their website, I don't have to enter my card info or anything. This can go bad if someone got my info, but it's highly unlikely because I make my passwords so cryptic and ridiculous anyways.

I realized that I need to let go of my stresses once in a while. Its like when you hold a glass of water. It's not heavy, unless you have Spongebob arms, but the longer you hold something, it makes your arm tired, and it just feels heavy. I feel the same way about stress. The longer I dwell on it, stay up late thinking about it, it just gets worse and worse. I realized that today when I was writing down my weekly to-do list. So I stopped, bought some peace tea, and I'm going to drink it to the point where I'm going to have to leave class to pee. But anyway, the feeling of not being stressed is fantastic. Although I have lots to do, I feel confident I will finish it all in a timely manner. If not, then life moves on, and I doubt I will remember that I forgot to write an article review 20 years from now anyways.

Studious.

I'm feeling quite studious. I haven't done anything school related except sit in class for about a week. My mind is turning into mush. I need to think. I need to challenge myself. It's one of the reasons why I like learning. So this weekend I will be playing catch up and get back on track.

I can't wait for this month to be over so the prototype of my little project can be revealed. I'm still unsure if I want to post it here, since I want my anonymity to remain. I don't think my face will be on it, but I know some of my friends, my workplace, and some of my family will be. Maybe next month it will contain none of the above. I've already skipped a few days of this month, but as I've explained, it's a prototype. In all seriousness, I'm just testing out this app I bought. It's just a month long process.

My challenge for all of you today is to really use your brain today. Explore the depths and see just how brilliant you really are.

Kindness.

Today, was my first day of "kindness" This is really my way of controlling my self so that the people around me won't get butthurt. And to teach a few individuals a lesson. I also realized that in order to make people that I would like to be happy, I need to be happy. I need to stop being angry at everyone for every thing. Today has only been day one, but it has been quite the challenge.

1. I went to work an hour earlier, so that I could take my roommate/"best friend's" boyfriend to work with me. I would feel awful that he would have to wake up two hours before hand, and bike to work in the wet, cold atmosphere. So I sacrificed an hour since he has sacrificed many before.

2. The said biker-co-worker-best-friend's-boyfriend also was being forced, by his girlfriend, to go to an event at my university, which is mainly aimed toward females, but males were welcome. I agreed that he wouldn't like it, and frankly, I don't know if I would too. But I agreed to take his place, to spare him, and his view on the main subject.

3. As much as I despise the Hallmark holiday coming up, I decided I would play along and partake, only because my boyfriend really wants to. So, I bought lip stain, agreed to paint my nails another color besides black, and made him a gift. Even if we don't go anywhere this weekend, I know he will be smitten and happy, and that's all that matters.

4. I went to church for the first time in forever, and noticed that they changed the prayers. Oops. It's really been that long. I went so my mother can be at peace with me, and that's always a must. I really listened, and agreed with every word I heard. Someone asked me today what I would give up for Lent. I told them, like the past few years before, nothing. I do something each year to make me a better person as a whole. Last year, was keeping my room, primarily my floor, clean. I am now a cleaner person, but my room still needs a little work. It's a work in progress. This year, I need to stop being hateful. The person who asked me gave me this look, like, "you're cheating." But how can you judge my faith and practices, when you can't relate? I then proceeded to tell her that Lent isn't about giving up sweets, Facebook, etc. It's about repenting, and becoming a better person. If you give up sweets, soda, whatever (which I have done), you always go back. Always. Lent is just another excuse for people to make a goal that they don't achieve. 40 days is nothing. If you make a habit of something to make yourself a better person, then you have fulfilled my definition of Lent. I don't force it on anyone, but that's what I believe. She tried to agree with me, but in her head I know she thinks it's super lame. Then I proceeded to tell her that I only became hateful because of her, and she denied it. Some day people will be able to handle the cold hard truth. She also found out that even if her Facebook is deactivated, I can still block her. She used to only reactivate it to laugh at how "gay" my boyfriend and I are. This made me upset, because we dont' do anything on Facebook, he is just a cheeseball sometimes and I just like his posts for his sanity. We work together tomorrow, so God so help me with my patience and my sassy mouth.

5. We had to take an online test today for one of my classes. I haven't taken/submitted mine yet, but I helped my other roommate with hers, since she misses classes a lot, just because. She frustrated me to no end, but I stayed patient with her through the end. Longest hour and 15 minutes of my life. But I know it made her happy nevertheless.

And so, I will kill all my haters with kindness, and continue on my journey to find my inner peace. It's about time I start to think about myself first, instead of being at the feet of others, waiting for my next command. I call my first official day a success, considering the broiling thoughts that were going on in my head.

And so the book fell in love with the reader.

Can you imagine if there was a book that in the end, the main character fell in love with the reader?

It's just a thought I had (I'm not the only person with the thought but I was thinking about it today). There could be two completely stories made, one for a male, and the other female. The whole book would progress, and like every other good book, the reader will start to fall in love with the character, something sad or tragic will happen, and the feels will start to expose themselves. I just think it would be something awesome, for a few reasons.

1. It makes the reader want to read the book again, or whatever.

2. It would be an amazing plot twist that wouldn't be revealed until you read the book.

3. Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, the main character would not be described in the book, only spoken of, through first person. This could give the reader the freedom to imagine what they think would be best fitting for the character, and it would be different than anyone else.

I mean, can you even imagine? What if?

_________________________________________________________________________________

And as I looked around me, I noticed that it was all gone. Everything. I had completed my journey, but at what cost? I look up at the sky and see rain drops fall, blurring everything around me, it had been the same sky as it has always been, but it was different, with the glooming clouds wandering over me. It was then I had realized why my journey had ended the way it did.

"There are no more chapters. You said it yourself - we are getting so close, and that was some time ago."

You begin to ask me something. Inside, you're wondering what is happening, right now, in this moment. Can it even be possible? I had been asking myself the same thing too, but I think I always knew.

"Don't ask me how I know, because I don't really know either. But this is how it's supposed to end right? Soon, I'll snowball further down and down, until I hit the back cover. But you always knew that."

I felt the need to sit down, and I sit on the pine oak bench under the tree, with it's fall leaves blooming. Was that there before? I can't remember. Soon it starts to snow, but I hear thunder rolling, and muffled noises. It wasn't regular thunder, it's you. What are you trying to say to me? You sound sad, confused, and conflicted. 

"I'm so sorry. I really am. I had no idea what was going to happen. This has never happened to me before. I'm not really sure what happens when you close the book. Do I stay here, under this tree? Forever? I look up for answers, and snow starts falling, along with the salted rain, but it's not cold where I am, and I'm not getting wet. I just see my world crumple and blur, from your tears. I re think everything, from page one. All the signs had been clear to me now. Then it hits me. The solution.

"That's it. You can go back. If you restart the book, I'll be okay, and so will everyone else. I won't be forced to stay here, on this last page, in the purgatory of the spine and the back cover. The words won't change, I won't change. I can see you all over again, and you can see me."

After some time, the thunder stops, I look at the glooming clouds, and they start to clear up. I take a few steps back, and see you. For the very first time. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want to tell you that everything is okay. You seem to know that too, since I see you smile, and for a brief moment, I could imagine what it's like to hold your hand for the very first time. 

"It's okay, you can do it. It's for the best."

And so, for the first time, since my journey has ended, yours has begun. You have to be the hero, and close the book. This way, we can both keep going. I can hear your voice, more clearly than ever, as I wait in the darkness. 

"I'll come back" you say. That was all I needed to hear.

The end.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Wouldn't that be so creepy yet cool? I mean I'm not a writer, so that is probably crap. I'm just tired, and I needed something to do. It's probably a lame idea, but I think it would be interesting.

Inner peace.

I'm trying this new thing, where I am trying to be a "nicer" person, and find my inner peace, so that I can find a balance in being happy with myself, and with others. I seem to expect so much out of everyone, my family, co-workers, friends, boyfriend, and yes, even my pets. It's not healthy. I come up with scheming plans when I'm driving, because I just think everyone is stupid. But then I realized, it was me the whole time.

I would get so angry and upset for no reason, and it would follow me for a week. Now, I can peacefully live each day. I've decided that I will talk to no one at work, unless it is work related, important, and only if they speak to me first. I only like about 5 people who work there, and I don't really work with them that often. So far, it's worked, because I don't find myself annoyed with them so much, as I just see them as droning bots doing the same thing I'm doing there: surviving for that paycheck.

I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis, if you will. I want to change everything. My hair, my clothes, my habits, my everything. I am coming to terms that I am graduating soon, I have to start my internships soon, and that I'm not completely ready. I miss those naive days, where I had one job, and one job only - go to school. I had the same routine everyday. I didn't have to plan things out. I also won't know what to do for graduate school. I'm thinking way ahead, since I'm only a month in my 6th semester in college. I know I am having a crisis, since I know my "family", friends, boyfriend, and even co-workers have been tolerable to amazing lately. I just can't put my finger on what it is, because I find myself wanting to go outside, and scream my lungs out, like everything in my world is falling apart, when it's not. I'm less stressed money wise, since I've become accustomed to the poor life, and I'm caught up in school, even thought my test grades aren't too hot. I still find myself wishing I could sleep for days, and not caring what I would miss.


So, I've started doing things that used to make me happy.

Writing. Drawing. Reading. Playing/listening to music. shopping. Drinking tea.

Needless to say, it has helped. I've become more positive over time, and more grateful for everything that has happened to me thus far. Everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason as to why my first two months of this year have been quite rough for me, but I know that in the future, these events will somehow prepare me for a bigger event in the future.

I think that finding my inner peace and staying positive is phase one in my "become a kinder person - but keep my sarcasm" adventure.

Phase 2 is to become active, by doing yoga, and exercises, so that I can actually get hired by a law enforcement agency of my choice one day.

collarb-ones.

You know that feeling that it's too good to be true? I had that recently. After my tests, I had the free time to eat lunch with some friends, read a book, and not do homework for 3 days straight. I was caught up. A whole weekend not doing anything school related? Too good to be true. It was going to be the best weekend ever. I had plans to go on an adventure. Alas, I did go on one, but it had quite the plot twist in between.

When I get to my boyfriend's place, his little brother from his "home" town two hours away is there, for the weekend. He's alright, but that means spending the weekend entertaining him. So, once his other brother picks up his girlfriend, we can leave. We were going to go to the zoo, but it was misting and rainy, so we didn't. It was all going well. Then I drove to this fantastic burger place, and we all ate. Except now my mind has drifted, because mother nature gifted me her wondrous gifts 10 days early, and I was a little more than surprised. So the whole time, I'm just praying to every higher power that I can make it.

After an awkward trip to Wal-mart, mainly because this woman is straight up bawling in the middle of the women's care products/deodorant aisle, because something of hers was stolen, I start to feel better. We hang out, and watch tv for a while, and while I'm online stalking his brother's girlfriend (which was totally easy, since her twitter and tumblr are her name.), my brother texts me that my dad has been in a car wreck. I was worried, but I have mixed feelings about him, so I called my stepmom to ask if everything's okay. I don't ever talk with her, and I don't quite understand her accent, but I hear my little sisters' name. That's when my heart sank. I zoned out on the rest after that, but did manage to hear that my baby brother is okay.

After wasting gas driving on the highway and back, because my dad was being sketchy, frustrating, etc. I hear that my sisters are in the children's hospital. I had to drive my boyfriend's brothers and this girl everywhere, since my car holds more than three, and so forth. So I get convinced that everything will be okay and to enjoy this movie.

Okay side note: Identity Thief is not a good movie. It had some funny parts, and the whole theater was cracking their shit up, but I didn't see the appeal. The preview made it look hilarious, but that was about it. I was disappointed, but that could also be the fact I had other things on my mind.

So, I stay the night, and I am prepared to leave and drive back home, which is 30-45 minutes away, even if it is raining. I was so frustrated that when we were alone, I just sat and cried for an hour. Let it be known, I don't cry on the regular, and the last time I did was when I got a GLOB of freaking shampoo in my eye. That was so painful, I thought I was going to be straight up blind afterwards. Anyways, I wasn't crying because I had wasted gas, or that I was tired, or because I felt like my uterus was committing suicide, or that my sister's were hit. It was because my dad frustrates the living hell out of me. I can't get over the fact that he makes everything so difficult. I wish I knew what was going on in his head. It completely ruined my day, and I felt bad, because I know he had this great relaxing-no-homework-weekend-extravaganza planned, since this week, I work extra, because of the "holiday" coming up, and I have test and shit next week.

After like 3 hours of sleep, I get a phone call, and as expected as I'm about to leave, I get notified that I can stay. Also he calls me to drive 30-45 min to get my brother, who is 16 and well and able, to buy them food. Excuse me. He can buy his own food. This is not an emergency, I do not need to be there. Waste of my time. Then he slips out that my 6 year old sister has ribs that are fractured and slightly crushing her lungs, and my other sister has a broken shoulder blade. Fantastic. I was up all night being dramatic and imagining myself at their funeral. I wanted to go and see them so badly, but oh guess what I don't know what hospital they are at because no one will freaking tell me.

This is why I live life independently, and depend on only myself.

So we take my car to take his brother back home, and the most interesting two hour ride ensues. Thankfully, I didn't have to pay to fill up my tank, and I was eternally grateful to find someone, who after everything that's happened thus far, has not told me I'm absolutely nuts, and left. He keeps me stable, and does whatever to make me happy. But anyways.

Later, my brother texts me and tells me that my sister's collarbone, not shoulder blade is broken. This made me mad, because that is more common, and I wouldn't have been so worried, also because is it so hard to tell the truth these days? This is why I have trust issues people, because the people I'm supposed to trust the most are the people I trust the least.

So tomorrow, I will embark on another adventure, where I will be hospital calling/hopping. I really feel for my sisters, because now they have to be treated like babies again, and because they are in pain. I just want to see them, and just tell them that everything will be okay, because I know that they look up to me and what not.

Another thing, I want to see the face of the drunk ass driver who did this. I see no point in holding a grudge, but I want to know. I want to see the person who put two little girls in a hospital, who was stupid enough to get shit faced at 6 pm. I just want to know, so that I can have peace with myself. Maybe he has a rough life, so he was drinking. I don't know, and I can't judge that. But I remember why I hate drunk drivers, and get so upset when my friends do it. I can't even explain what I felt when I found out it was a drunk driver. He is currently in jail, and I need to do some online searching so I can see that mugshot.

Never in my life have I had the "pleasure" of feeling sad/worried/upset/furiated/loved/hungry/in pain at the same time. Let me tell you folks, it's not even close to a rollercoaster. It's the equivalent of when those kids at Taco Bell take their cup and put all the sodas/juices/teas/etc. in their cup and drink it. A feel of disgust from the watcher, and a slight happiness from the drinker, until the after taste sets in. I really didn't know how else to compare that.

Happy Monday.

Crave.

I recently hung up this huge poster that was given to me months ago, and for some reason, I really love how they made it. The font, the photo, the color contrast, everything. I also bought some file folder things, and other organizational things at Target and put about 30% of my life together. Fun times.

I've been a little upset these past few days because I'm pretty sure my best friend doesn't want to be my best friend anymore. This has never happened to me, so it's kind of blowing my mind. She says she does, but then doesn't speak to me, ignores me, and literally says "we don't hang out. Guess you're just my roommate now." She laughs afterwards, but it annoys me. I would rather her tell me straight up instead of holding me by this little string. That's what she does, she gets what she wants, and likes to have control over people. Once I figured her out, that's when she started to dislike me. This is just some new version of control. But I keep telling her I'm not dealing with it anymore, so she needs to make an executive decision. Le sigh, anyways.

For the past few months, I've lost my appetite. I don't know what it is, but I was never really hungry, just thirsty. I don't like going to the doctor's so I just avoided that completely. But now, I am craving everything. Nachos, Chinese food, real Chinese food, Domino's flat crust pizza, ice cream, spaghetti, ANYTHING my mother cooks, soup, sandwiches, smoothies, fruits, cheese, anything. Too bad I'm too broke to fulfill all my cravings. 

Another thing I'm craving, is traveling. I want to go places. Anywhere, just as long as I can escape my reality for a while. When I went to Chicago this past summer, I didn't have to worry about school, homework, and best of all, work. I completely enjoyed myself for 5 days. Luckily/unluckily, my phone service wasn't too great there either, so I really didn't have contact with anyone except for a few people, and my mother, of course. She called me at 10:30 on the dot, as if she knew I was at a music festival, and that's when it ended... So weird. Anyways, I want to go to my grandparent's this summer. I want to go and shop, see my cousin that I've never met, except through skype, and EAT all the glorious food that city has to offer. I also want to go to Disney, with my "best friend" to see my other best friend who is interning there. I mean, free VIP passes, why would I say no? And lastly, I want to go to Dallas, or Austin with my boyfriend, because even though it's been over a year, he is still terribly homesick. His hometown with all his friends are too far away, but maybe I can convince them to meet us halfway? He actually hates it here, but he didn't really enjoy his life there either, except his friends. ( I suspect the crazy ex's he mentions.) But anyways, I just want to go to shop, but if I had just said that, that would make me selfish.

Bitter.

As expected, my friend is turning crazier, and bitter. She finally ended this relationship thing she had that she had been freaking out about.

"Do you consider us a couple?"
"yes?"
"oh."

long story short, everyone thought they were a couple but her, and she was too scared to ask about it. So they ended. Now she's in her place, alone, with no roommates, and no long distance boyfriend. So, she's constantly "ugh"-ing about him to me, and so forth. So I constantly ask her, "Do you want to be with him? If you do, then do it." She just goes "ugh, no."

THEN DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM. DON'T REPLY TO HIM.

Then she goes on about how she's alone, and going to be alone, and how she wants someone now, and how she needs to go on okcupid, and now now now now.

alright homegirl. Let's get a few things straight.

• YOU ended it with HIM.
• YOU are 20 years old, not 50, in a big city. You are going to find someone, be fucking patient.
• Your desperate attitude is NOT cute.
• Rebounds don't help ANYONE in the end, you fucking horndog.
• I am thousands of miles away, I don't know what you want me to do about it.

All this, was expected.

Then, the second part of my prophecy comes true. The bitterness.

Yes, that is my boyfriend you heard in the background. He is playing a video game or something, while I am doing homework. No we are not being "cute" we are literally doing our own thing, just in the same place. So that gives  you no reason to "fucking hate us". When I insult him on facebook, it is not foreplay, it is me telling him to think before he types. We are not horndogs. I see him 1.5 days a week. I'm sorry if you suddenly think it's "fucking annoying" just because you're not "with" someone. It's really hard for me to tell someone off, since I get angry really easily, and I stay angry for a long ass time. (A Taurus trait I'm not too fond of.)

It's rarely possible for someone to be truly happy for me these days, since almost everyone I know is a selfish bitch.

Spring time

I don't want to jinx it, but spring weather has seemed to finally start to arrive. I couldn't be happier. I sip my sweet leaf mint and honey tea while reading my book on Charles Manson, and somewhat study for my Spanish test tomorrow. I'm at work, and even though I would rather be outside like everyone else, the quiet peacefulness that is around me right now is pure gold.

I can't wait to wear shorts, buy new spring clothes/shoes, and drive with my window down, and not wear winter clothes. I also can't wait to get some sun on my legs because they are just straight up white right now. There's nothing wrong with that, but when my arms and face are slightly tan, the off balance really irks me.

I have test and such coming up, and I've decided that Every time I do well, I will reward myself with something in my cart on Etsy. I will forever wish to be as creative or devoted to put stuff up on etsy. I want to be able to sell things, not really for money, but because I get super excited when I buy something from etsy, and I would want someone else to have that same feeling when they buy something from me. That's a side project I plan on starting this year, at least put the thought together.

In other news, they are making a FiOS movie, and it basically means a feels fest for me. I will only watch that movie once. Just like Perks of being a wallflower. Also Silver Linings Playbook is pure brilliance and everyone should watch it. Jennifer Lawrence is so great, and I wish I was her in the movie, not really the crazy/Bradley loving part, but her being. She acted so well, and the diner scene was my fave.

Oh, and my 14 punk rock feels came back to me yesterday since Fall Out Boy is now off hiatus, and released a song, video, and your dates. Um excuse me, how did they do all that with NO ONE noticing? Like really. The song was lackluster, like their last few albums, and the video was wierd because it featured 2chainz but he didnt rap or anything he was just setting precious FOB things on fire. But anyways, the fan girl inside of me found its way out of me for a hot minute.

Cheers to being stable school wise, financially, and socially.