rantrantrant

Today, I had planned to go pay my bills, do most of my homework, run errands, clean out my car, and go get some groceries, all after work.

Well, what happened? After work, I drove 5 minutes away to pay my internet bill, and when I got back to my car, it wouldn't start. AGAIN. I'm so sick of this.

First, my car has a hole, then my first solution is to get it fixed. Well the lazy ass people didn't call me so now my hole is BIGGER. Then I say, fuck it, give me the money. The money still isn't here yet. WHY.

Then, I say, I'm going to get a new car. Then what happens? oh yeah, BOTH my jobs cut my hours by 60%. So basically I'm making lunch money. Lovely.

So now, my car is still at the internet place, and I didn't park too well thinking that I would be out of there in a jiffy. It's full of my purge to go to Goodwill. I might have to take the car my friend was driving, since she goes back to her school on Monday. Which is cool I guess, I get a newer car. But, then I will owe her family all this money I don't have. Also her car is longer than mine, and bigger and I'm scared I'm going to crash it or hit something. I feel like I'm driving a semi, even though it's not even that much bigger.

If I don't take that car, her dad won't sell me another, because he doesn't want to give me a shitty car, which is understandable. But then I will be carless and who wants to pick up someone to take to work at 6 am? no one. I will also have to walk to school, and blah blah blah. Living life like I was in high school again. Walking everywhere, bumming rides, while everyone else has a car and a license.

The peachy part is this: I told my parents, and they could care less. My dad just stated that I should probably get a new car. Well no shit, father, thank you.  Thank you for your kind words, your ancient wisdom, and high education. You bought me this little thing, with broken lights and a broken windshield, and I paid to get it repaired so I get take the driving test, at 18, since I wasn't allowed/couldn't afford it at 16, already, so thank you for your help - goodbye. Haven't talked to him since. It's been 19 days. Unphased.

My mother, my sweet, sweet mother. She did what she always does. Stress me out, and turn the attention on her. She made me repeat the story three times, got mad, and then said that she is getting a loan from the bank so she can get a newer car. Thanks mom for helpin a girl out, like really. She doesn't even care what happens, and because she knows that without a car, I can't go anywhere, which is what she likes. She'd prefer me to be carless and walk everywhere, just so I will probably stay at home. Whatever.

So I go home to my unclean room, filled with my unclean homework. I go take a shower and my lazy roommate takes one too, so I get an ice cold shower. I didn't even finish. I just jumped out.

This has been the worst/best day ever and I'm so annoyed. Today was supposed to be so productive, and I got nothing done, and not even by procrastinating.

Yeah I slip, I'm still an animal.

There was a time when my world was filled with darkness

then I stopped dreaming

now I'm supposed to fill it up with something

I feel like this year so far has completely sucked, and that nothing is going right at all. Only one person makes me feel better, but I can only see him two days a week. I'm super stressed about my car, it's fucking hole in it, the engine not starting, and the fact that I need to buy a new car within the next week, and my parents aren't wiling to help me. My friends don't believe that I don't have money, which is annoying, since their families have money. I also need a reliable car to get to work, at 6 in the fucking a.m., school, and I need to desperately start applying for internships for my dual degree. Everyone wants me to visit them in some state far away that costs money. I am broke as a joke. I'm sick of my lackluster jobs. I just want money for books to fill my book shelf, and a car that functions. I'm trying my best to keep up with friends, when honestly, I just want to be alone.

I go to seek a great perhaps.

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane."

-John Green

Purge.

for the next two days, I'm off of work. I got my school shiz figured out, so those days are mine. Although I'm upset because my best friend constantly laughs at my relationship because it's "cheesy", which is hilarious because she is obviously blind to what her relationship is, I'm going to start my four day purge, and give no fucks about what anyone says about me or someone I care about, ever.

By purge, I mean the following:

• clothes
• shoes
• old notebooks
• everything inside my desk
• people
• food in the pantry, and fridge
• computer memory
• phone memory
• trash
• unused items

why go through all of this? Well it's simple. I want a simple life, I want to not have anything, yet have everything I've ever wanted. I already do. I have all the materialistic things I could want, within reason, good people in my life, and good health. But, I have too much shit. I can't wait to go through this major purge, so I can start this year a new. I'm on a resolution high, since I painted my room, and already finished a book (My minimum is 12 a year.) I also want to eat healthy for a week, to do a mini detox, and to boost my immune system. Only a week though, because I have this awesome coupon for Smashburger. Also, if my life and room are more organized, with this important semester coming up, I can focus completely on school, without all these distractions. I'm also going to set up payment plans, to myself, so that I can get a new car, which is also a resolution of mine. I know it's a little late to be preparing for such things, but I'm so busy these days, and life has been extra weird and unique to me, that instead of doing what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm re telling a story to someone about something stupid, like how that guy with the nachos was trying to talk to us at that bar, while I fell asleep (that's for another post, another day).

(infatuation)

It's 1 a.m., and I'm eating my red velvet cookie from Panera. Today, a friend, who is only taking two classes here after living in New York for like 6 or whatever decided to hang out with me today. I helped her get her school ID, and helped her enroll, parking, etc. We share one main thing in common, another friend who we both hold so closely to our hearts. Okay, but while spending the afternoon with her, epiphanies about relationships came about. Also that we both hate people.

Okay, so I don't have real experience with this, or any statistics to back this up, but this is just from what I've observed.

• People (females) who have sex during the honeymoon, or infatuation stage, are more than likely to stay in that stage than a normal amount of time. I feel like this contributes to girls being more heartbroken for whatever reason in the end; they are just behind the other counterpart in the cycle.
• If you start lowering your standards, just to be with someone, and you don't realize it: no bueno.
• If you have to schedule your friends around your fucking menstruation cycle so you can have an excuse to not have sex, while seeing a friend, not only are you crazy, you are a horndog. (like really can I not see you when you are not a bitch?)
• If you are serious about a relationship, then you shouldn't have to lie about anything pertaining that relationship to anyone. (unless it's a good surprise, like birthdays or whatever.)
• If you are questioning if something is wrong, it probably is.
• Sleeping with an emotionally unstable man does no favors to anyone.
• If you spend your days sulking, whining, and complaining about the relationship, you are probably going to be in the infatuation stage for a while.

Okay I know that most of that didn't really make sense, but most of the people I associate with these days are actually crazy. Do people even hear themselves when they speak? Do people not know how to take their own dirt? These days, apparently not.

year in review thus far

2013 has really been quite an adventure for me so far, and it's only been one week. Let's just recap of what has happened.

• Jan 1: Worked at 7 am, played a 3 hour game of Monopoly with my mother, for her birthday, got cleverly kidnapped to the other college town by my friends, snuck into a place I shouldn't be in, and pretty much had an episode, that could equal public embarassment.
• Jan 2: Worked at 7 am, after my episode the night before, went to a friend's house to watch a movie, and her mother backed into my car, which now looks more ratchet, since there is a hole on the side now.
• Jan 3: Worked at 7 am, couldn't get an estimate on my car, but I had a Which Wich Oreo shake. Watched the Time Traveler's Wife and got confused. (this day wasn't so eventful).
• Jan 4: Worked both jobs, and was pleasantly surprised by my boyfriend, so I wouldn't have to be alone in the most boring white walls known to man. I also got caught up on American Horror Story.
• Jan 5: Painted my room part 1
• Jan 6: Finished painting my room. Beautiful dinner, with one of the most beautiful people that I know.
• Jan 7: Work at 4:45, napped, finished The Fault in Our Stars
• That book is so wonderful, even though it makes me want to sit and cry because I can't even imagine keeping myself together if the person I so deeply loved had the life of Augustus Waters. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

I guess that's about it. I mean this beats last year, where all I did was work, and get lonely, but still. I've accomplished one resolution: Painting my room. I've also finished a book, so on to the next one. I plan on reading Looking For Alaska. John Green, you are becoming one of my favorite authors. 

2013.

odd numbered year probably equals an odd year, but then again, when isn't my life odd?

Here are some resolutions that I plan on doing that I probably won't accomplish. Yay for setting high goals, only to achieve less than half. That's life, you know.

• Exercise. Yes, this may be a shock to those of you who know me. I try my hardest to not have to do exercise. I don't like it. It's a waste of time for me, and there are other things to be doing, eating, etc. But, although I have a small figure, I am extremely out of shape. I need to be in shape if I want that federal "in the field" job. So, I will start with walks, and see where it takes me.
• I'm going to play music more. Whether it be my guitar or a piano, I'm going to play it.
• This is going to be strange, but the minimalist in me is strong right now, but I want to expunge my closet and start a new. I've spent about 3 years of my life buying different styles of clothes trying to decide what style I want. To be honest, I still don't know. But I know that my life would be easier if I had everything in black, white, gray, some tans/browns, and denim. That's it. I don't need too much color, I really don't now, but I'm going to make it simple. I mean, walking around in black on black, but in really cute styles, not just a t shirt and jeans. Does that make sense to anyone? I don't know what's come over me, but that's what I want. 
• Eat healthier, and cook more. This list is starting to look like my list from last year.
• Read more books. Start a serious collection.
• Save up at least $5000 for a down payment on a car that isn't a POS.

I can't really think of any, but those seem to be the big ones.